An Open Letter to Arizonans

Most Reviled State of the Union,

It must be hard being the last state of the contiguous 48. So much pressure. Do you get tired of the hand-me-downs from older states? Does civil rights legislation not fit right? Would you like to try on something else, something more fashionable and in? The civil war, the end of slavery, and the massacre of Native Americans--these all occurred before you were born. Your decision to create a police state in response to immigration is great idea. It's always overrated to learn from others' mistakes.

I write you this letter, knowing that you don't want to hear what I have to say. After all, you're an Arizonan! It's your state. You own the land and make the laws. It helps that 19th-century wars allowed you to usurp power over the inhabitants of the land, both Native American and Mexican. And that power sure did help you enslave them, play them off of each other and work them to death before you found another gardener.

We both know all that scheming paid off. For a while there, your economy was booming. Middle Americans went to work everyday in the freezing North, dreaming of a retirement home in Mesa, and they got it. Lots of good, honest folks moved in, started companies, and took advantage of that founding ideal of America--opportunity. There was only one problem. Other "people" moved in, or at least started showing up in schools and neighborhoods. They thought they deserved opportunity too. Hmph! They didn't even speak English like our families with our Scandinavian and German last names did.

Sure, they work hard. But, like so many of you have said, they "stand around on corners" all the time. It's so un-american. After all their time in your homes, they should know that Americans loiter around television sets, not out in the open. Crowds outside are dangerous. They might talk, laugh, dance, or learn something!

In the end, it's all for the best. All of your unemployed MBAs need jobs, and the sooner you kick out or harass away anyone with brown skin, the sooner your baby boy with so much potential, your pride and joy who sleeps, just for now, in your basement, will be able to buy his first pair of work gloves.

Horrifiedly yours,
Dave Fife